No Regrets
by Angela2
Summary: Based on a song of the same name. Something terrible is happening to the Captain. It's a story of frustration, friendship, and the struggle for survival.


Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the idea for the story. The characters belong to Paramount and whoever else is claiming them nowadays.  
  
No Regrets  
  
The pressure of the hypospray on Janeway's neck made her tense up slightly, but she had a bigger problem to deal with. She solemnly nodded toward the Telapanites. The cold medicine coursed through her veins, and she could tell it was already beginning to work. "It will take two days for the full effect to take place. She may spend her time as she wishes. I do ask you stay in orbit until we can confirm the serum worked." Sein said. Chakotay nodded to the Telapanite and turned to his Captain. He saw the look of despair in her eyes and moved closer to her. Sein took this opportunity to exit the room. "Wasn't there another choice?" "Commander, if there was, I wouldn't have agreed to this. We can't decide which rules to follow and which rules we don't. The only other choice was to strand the crew on that terrible planet. I couldn't do that to my crew." She replied. He could tell the discussion was over, so he didn't pursue it. Janeway knew that the Doctor would work on an antidote to the serum, but she knew he wouldn't find one. She had accepted this fact when she was faced with the decision. It was likely that she wouldn't need it. "It's time for our shift, Commander." They left the Captain's quarters and silently made their way to the turbolift. "Bridge." Janeway ordered. Both were uncomfortable with the silence, but couldn't think of anything to say that would lighten the mood. The silence felt like a heavy blanket that hung over the two officers, suffocating them. The turbolift started its ascent. Janeway was afraid of what she would find when she got to the bridge. When the turbolift stopped, she held her breath as the doors opened, and looked onto the bridge. Everything was running smoothly, and everyone was at their stations. She saw Tom adjust the heading slightly, and Harry check communications channels. Tuvok was standing perfectly still, watching the view screen. She realized she was still holding her breath, and let it out slowly. "It's clear sailing today." Tom reported. Janeway smiled slightly and sat in the center chair. Checking her readouts on the panel, she said, "Good, maybe now you won't run the ship into anything." He smiled. He was right, there weren't any incidents all day. Voyager stayed in a smooth orbit. The bridge crew all started to leave the bridge when the shift was over. "Don't forget, be in the holodeck at 1700 hours. We have a rematch." Tom said cheerfully. "Rematch? Oh, right. Target practice." She had forgotten she had agreed to a rematch. Janeway had beaten him easily yesterday, and she was confident today would be the same. Janeway made her way slowly to her quarters. There was much to think about, so much was happening on the ship. Crew reports needed to be finished, there was going to be a ship-wide diagnostic, and she had to help get all the departments ready. She paused, and tapped her commbadge. "Commander, this is Janeway. Would you join me in the messhall to discuss crew reports?" "Yes Captain, I'm there now." "Acknowledged. I'll get the padds and I'll be there in no time." She ended the communication and entered her quarters. She smiled, there were so many pleasant memories here. She let her mind drift for a few minutes. Burned dinners, long conversations that lasted long into the night, all the great announcements (and bad ones) ran through her mind. A single tear fell on her cheek, and she made her way to the table. The padds weren't there. Hmm, that's strange. I know I left them there, she thought. She looked around the room, and spotted them on the couch. She walked over to her couch and picked up the padds. She exited her room and walked to the messhall. Chakotay was sitting at a table near one of the windows. He waved toward Janeway, and she crossed the room quickly. Many of the people seemed to be watching her, but she ignored them. "Good afternoon, Chakotay. I want you to take a look at the crew reports with me." He nodded, and took one of the small padds. The Commander read over the information. "I'll have to fix a few of these." He put the padd on the table to work on later. "Does the crew know what's happening?" She inquired. "Yes, I told them." He replied and stood. He looked uncomfortable. "You have an engagement in the holodeck with Tom." "Right." She turned out of the room. "Uh-Captain," he pointed in the opposite direction, "It's that way." Janeway blushed. She was distracted and hadn't noticed which direction she was going. "I know which way it is, Commander. Thank you." She turned around and started walking quickly. She wanted to get as far away from the embarrassing situation as possible.  
  
"I told you I'd beat you again.." Janeway struggled for his name. "It's Tom, Captain. Maybe you should get some rest." He moved closer to her, looking concerned. "I have some work to do. I need to get the ship ready for-uh-" she looked angrily at him. "You know what I'm trying to say." "The diagnostic? Tuvok will take care of that." She glared at Tom. Her rage was mounting. She was becoming frustrated with the way Tom was treating her. "I'm perfectly able to handle this situation, Commander." "I'm an Ensign! You're going back to your quarters." He waited by the door. Tom hated treating Janeway like this, but he had no choice. He had work to get done. "How'd you get to be a Lieutenant with that attitude?" "I'm an Ensign!" He yelled. He opened his mouth to say something more, but Janeway interrupted. "Don't say another word." She spat and left the holodeck. She stormed to her quarters. Janeway glared at anyone who looked at her. She was tired of people staring at her like she was a tripedal aquatic animal. She plopped herself into the chair. The Captain began to relax which was quite difficult. She took several deep breaths and got a cup of black coffee. There she picked up a padd and read it. The door chimed. "Come in." She replied as Chakotay and the Doctor entered. "I'm here to tell you that you are relieved of duty." Chakotay said reluctantly. Janeway could see the war raging in his eyes. He didn't want to do this to her, and was unsure if he even should. "I stand relieved." She decided not to argue, her attempt would be futile. The word "futile" sent a shiver through her body. She wasn't sure why though. She shrugged off the thought. "I thought we could look through some pictures I found." Chakotay said and smiled. He sat on the couch and motioned her to follow. The Doctor left mumbling he had to go back and get his work done. She let him leave and she was happy he had. Chakotay brought over an album filled with pictures. They were all out of order but neither person minded. The first picture was of Harry and Tom talking to Q. They were in the holodeck, and Q had been asking about Janeway. That was when Q had hoped to have Janeway as his mate. "That's one person I wouldn't mind forgetting." She said and Chakotay laughed. The next was Vorik and Harry on board the Delta Flyer. "That was the shuttles maiden flight." Chakotay explained. She couldn't remember that day at all. That frightened her. "That's Belanna and Seven when Kes returned. She tried to blow us up." Janeway remembered that time well. She had missed Kes when she left. That brought the feelings back. The next was the Doctor, Ensign Jetal, and Harry on a shuttlecraft. "That was when the Doctor found out his memory was being erased. I remember what a hard time we had with him." She said. He turned the page and two photographs caught her eye. The first was Tuvok, Tom, the Doctor, and a woman named Noss. Tom was holding something up to his eyes to see farther, but Janeway couldn't remember what it was called. They were watching for raiders on the planet. The next was Tuvok, contemplating the probability that he would be stuck on the planet in the gravity well for the remainder of his life. She remembered well what had happened to the away team. They were all stuck on that planet inside the gravity well until Janeway and her crew could find a way to rescue them. They had been alone on that planet, and Janeway didn't understand how he got these. "How did you get all these pictures?" She asked Chakotay, motioning to the pictures. "I have my ways." He smiled and turned the page again. She couldn't get any more out of him no matter how hard she tried. "What's that one?" She asked and pointed to one of the photographs on the left. "One of my personal favorites. It was from what we dubbed the Year of Hell." "I don't remember that. What happened?" "Well, this picture is more toward the beginning of the year," he explained. It was a dirty and exhausted looking Janeway standing on the bridge next to Seven, who looked just as bad. "You looked well groomed in this picture, compared to the end of the year. All hope was almost lost. The Krenim had continued firing temporal weapons and the ship was nearly destroyed. The Captain evacuated everyone, but she stayed on board. In the end, she collided Voyager with the Krenim ship and made space and time return to normal. She would have given her life to destroy that ship." He said and moved to turn the page. "No more. It's time to get some work done." She put her hand gently on top of his stop him. "I thought you were relieved of duty." He replied. "I'm not going to sit around while there's work to be done." She insisted. "But it's not your work to do." "This is still my ship, I'll decide that." "I don't think so, it's my ship now. I'm giving you orders to rest." His voice grew more insistent. "Yes, Captain." She spat, furious at him. She took off one of her pips and put it on his collar. She made him leave without saying another word.  
  
The Doctor knocked on her door. "Come in." Janeway countered. He entered with a tricorder, scanning her and acting like it was the most important job in the galaxy. "You're doing fine, Captain." He smiled and snapped the tricorder shut. "That's great to hear. So why can't I get any work done?" She said harshly, more severely then she intended, and regretted it. The Doctor sighed and rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to explain it again. You know perfectly well what's happening." He left. So much was slipping through her mind now. She couldn't remember much of her childhood. Her memories of her childhood and her friends slipped away. Her time at the Academy faded away, and only a black void remained where these memories had been. She soon forgot the first years on the Voyager. She could barely remember anyone's name. While this was happening, a young, fair-haired man, a Chinese man, a woman that was half Klingon, and an ex-Borg visited her. She couldn't remember their names, but she felt such warmth toward them. They were her family, and it comforted her to know they cared so much about her. "How are you feeling?" Chakotay asked as he entered her room. "I'm not feeling anything, I can't remember a thing past last Tuesday. I don't think I remember how to feel." She said sulkily. "The Doctor said you're doing well." He moved toward her. "Oh, Chakotay, it's awful. More and more memories are slipping away. I'm so confused." With this, he held her in his arms. She hoped he'd never let go. She suddenly looked up at him. "Why am I letting them take away my memories?" She had no idea why she'd do anything like that. "The Telapanites found you in a sacred place on their planet. They said you had committed blasphemy. According to their law, they would have to kill you or condemn the crew to the planet. Instead, you found a loophole that allowed them to only erase your memory. You saved the ship at the cost of everything you know. The Doctor said he could reeducate you." He sounded hopeful. Janeway began to cry. Tears streamed down her face. She didn't want to lose what she had gone through with this crew. She didn't want to forget all the wonderful people she knew. Chakotay held her and brushed away the tears. He wanted to help her and make everything better, but he couldn't. He resented himself for that. He should have tried harder. "Bridge to Chakotay. We need you on the bridge." Harry's voice said. "Acknowledged. Chakotay out." She would give anything to have him stay. "Can't you stay a little longer?" She asked. "I have to go. I'm sorry, but I'll be back." She was still crying when he left. She then realized that she couldn't remember why she was crying. Kathryn decided to sit down. Everything was slipping away so quickly. Her mind was so empty, there were so precious few memories left. She clung to the memories like they were a lifeboat, not willing to let them go. She held onto them as long as she possibly could. But eventually, they were gone too. Her last memory was of a man named Chakotay, the one person she loved most in her life. She could never tell him. She smiled, but then that recollection was gone like a castle finally washed away in the rising tide. Her brain shut down, and she slipped softly and quietly into death.  
  
"Captain," The Doctor said to Chakotay, "the Captain left you this before she died." He handed Chakotay a padd. On it was included a program called Janeway Omega. It was with this letter: My dearest Chakotay, I have so much to tell you before I go. Unfortunately, I don't have the time to tell you all of it. Take care of the crew and make sure you get them home. Just do what you always do, and there will be no problems. This program I have included is something I want the whole crew to hear. Please make sure they all know how much I care for them. I've loved you for the longest time, although lately I've been very angry with you. You and the rest of the crew have treated me like an invalid, and I don't know if I can forgive you. I thought all the effort I had put into this ship and its crew would mean that I would be treated with more compassion. There's no time for me to hate anyone now. I love you all dearly. Please don't forget me. Kathryn  
  
Chakotay felt his heart grow heavy and his eyes filled with tears. He blinked them back and put the padd in his quarters. He wished he could stop thinking about her.  
  
"Computer, play program Janeway Omega on all channels." The computer beeped and complied. Chakotay expected it to be a recording of her voice, but it was a song. They all listened with curiosity. It went like this:  
  
Tell me a story  
  
Where we all change  
  
And we'd live our lives together  
  
And not estranged  
  
I didn't lose my mind it was  
  
Mine to give away  
  
Couldn't stay to watch me cry  
  
You didn't have the time  
  
So I softly slip away...  
  
No regrets they don't work  
  
No regrets they only hurt  
  
Sing me a love song  
  
Drop me a line  
  
Suppose it's just a point of view  
  
But they tell me I'm doing fine  
  
I don't want to hate but that's  
  
All you've left me with  
  
A bitter aftertaste and a fantasy of  
  
How we all could live  
  
No regrets they don't work  
  
No regrets they only hurt  
  
I know they're still talking  
  
The demons in your head  
  
If I could just stop hating you  
  
(Goodbye)  
  
I'd feel sorry for us instead  
  
Remember the photographs  
  
The ones where we all laugh  
  
We were having the time of our lives  
  
Well thank you it was a real blast  
  
No regrets they don't work  
  
No regrets they only hurt  
  
Write me a love song  
  
Drop me a line  
  
Suppose it's just a point of view  
  
But they tell me I'm doing fine  
  
Everything I wanted to be every  
  
Time I walked away  
  
Every time you told me to leave  
  
I just wanted to stay  
  
Every time you looked at me and  
  
Every time you smiled  
  
I felt so vacant you treat me like a child  
  
I loved the way we used to laugh  
  
I loved the way we used to smile  
  
Often I sit down and think of you  
  
For a while  
  
Then it passes by me and I think of  
  
Someone else instead  
  
I guess the love we once had is  
  
Officially dead  
  
Presently, Chakotay and most of the crew started to cry. He was the only one who fully understood what all the words meant, but the whole crew could still appreciate the song. They all realized that had lost a most remarkable woman. 


End file.
